Fractured Fairy Tales
by Desha
Summary: Reno has turned author and taken over my computer!
1. Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Litt...

Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs  
by Desha  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Note: Yes, this first chapter is an older story, but it's now part of my new little collection. Minor revisions to this first one, but not much different from the orginal... Enjoy the other play Reno forced me to post, too, and if you want more of these, review! Heck, review even if you hate them... I blame it all on Reno anyway! ;)  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
*Reno fights his way onto the stage at the Gold Saucer, wrestling with the curtains and stepping out, a bottle of tequila in one hand*  
  
Reno: *somewhat drunk* Tonight, for your entertainment, we are proud to present... um... a short play... thing... based on that classic fairy tale, Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs... *takes a swig from the bottle*  
  
Elena: *offstage* Reno, you drunken idiot.... That's not right!  
  
Reno: Yeah? Well, Desha made me the narrator, and I say we're doing Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs! *sits down on a chair off to one side of the stage*  
  
*The lights dim, and the curtains rise. Elena is onstage dressed in a hooded red cape with a basket on her arm*  
  
Reno: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Little Red Goldilocks. No one really knew why her mother named her that. Everyone thought it was kind of a stupid thing to name a kid. Maybe she lost a bet. Or maybe she was really drunk while she was trying to come up with a name... Or maybe she was kicked in the head by a wild chocobo as a child...  
  
*Elena stands center-stage, tapping her foot impatiently*  
  
Reno: Or maybe it was some weird family name... Or she just wasn't very creative when it came to names... I've known people like that. They come up with the dumbest names. I'll bet anything that...  
  
*Elena pulls a loaf of stale bread out of her basket and hurls it at Reno, hitting him in the head*  
  
Reno: Ow! Geez... So anyways, Little Red Goldilocks was walking through the woods one day. She was on her way to see her dear sick uncle who lived in the middle of nowhere. Her mother told her not to go because the woods were dangerous, and the family had long ago disowned the uncle anyway. But more importantly, a big, hungry, mean, nasty, rabid, not-very-nice wolf lived in the woods. But Little Red Goldilocks wasn't very smart, so she packed a basket of goodies and skipped off into the woods.  
  
*Elena begins skipping around the forest scenery on the stage*  
  
Reno: And she skipped, and she skipped, and she skipped, and she skipped... um... and she skipped some more... and she skipped...  
  
*Elena stops skipping*  
  
Elena: Get on with it!  
  
Reno: And she skipped until she realized that she was lost.  
  
Elena: Oh, whatever will I do? I am lost.  
  
Reno: Suddenly, she saw a house made entirely of straws...  
  
*A spotlight comes on, illuminating the left side of the stage where a large mound of drinking straws have been glued together in a shape vaguely resembling a house... if you squinted really hard... and used your imagination...*  
  
Elena: *under her breath* Oh dear lord... *louder* Oh, a house made of... straws... I am saved.  
  
Reno: Next to the house, Little Red Goldilocks saw a large pig eating porridge.  
  
*Rude walks onto the stage carrying a bowl and wearing pink plastic pigs' ears and his sunglasses*  
  
Rude: ...  
  
Reno: Little Red Goldilocks thought that maybe the pig would know where her uncle's house was.  
  
Elena: Oh Mr. Pig... I am lost... Can you tell me where my uncle's house is? I have to bring this basket of goodies to him right away.  
  
*Rude shrugs*  
  
Reno: Just then, the not-very-nice wolf appeared!  
  
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk above the stage, landing on the house of straws, effectively demolishing it*  
  
Sephiroth: *unenthusiastically* Grrr.  
  
*Elena pokes Sephiroth*  
  
Elena: Why aren't you in costume?  
  
Sephiroth: I refuse to compromise my dignity by wearing that pathetic excuse for a wolf's costume.  
  
Reno: The wolf was very hungry after destroying the little pig's house of straws.  
  
Sephiroth: I'm hungry. Give me your porridge!  
  
Reno: So the pig gave the not-very-nice wolf his porridge, but the porridge was too hot.  
  
*Sephiroth grabs the bowl and takes a bite, making a face of disgust*  
  
Sephiroth: Ugh... Who made this? It tastes like mud...  
  
Tifa: *offstage* Hey! That's my special recipe you're talking about!  
  
Reno: Um... yeah... So the not-very-nice wolf decided to eat the pig instead.  
  
Rude: ...!  
  
*Rude runs offstage. Sephiroth draws Masamune and chases after him, laughing maniacally*  
  
Reno: Little Red Goldilocks, though she still didn't have the faintest idea where she was, continued to skip merrily through the woods.  
  
*Elena sighs and begins skipping again*  
  
Reno: Deeper and deeper into the woods she skipped, until she came upon another house, this one made of sticks.  
  
*A spotlight illuminates the right side of the stage where several pounds of popsicle sticks have been taped together in the shape of a mound with a doorway in it*  
  
*Elena smacks herself in the forehead*  
  
Elena: Who the heck is our set designer?  
  
*Tseng crawls out through the "door" of the house wearing fake pig's ears*  
  
Tseng: Her... *points to little Marlene who is sitting on Reno's lap offstage, watching the play*  
  
Reno: At this house, Little Red Goldilocks met another pig. She hoped that he could tell her how to get to her uncle's house.  
  
Elena: Oh please help me! I am lost. I have to take this basket of goodies to my uncle's house. *edges closer to Tseng*  
  
Tseng: Well, it's simple... All you have to do to get to your uncle's house is...  
  
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk, landing on the popsicle stick house, destroying it*  
  
Sephiroth: Mwa ha ha!  
  
Reno: Um... then apparently the not-very-nice wolf showed up looking for more food...  
  
Marlene: *sniffle* He broke my house...  
  
Tseng: Is it just me, or is the play getting progressively worse?  
  
Reno: It's just you. So the not-very-nice wolf walked up to the pig and demanded that he hand over his porridge or be eaten.  
  
Sephiroth: *walks up to Tseng* What he said.  
  
Tseng: Tifa wouldn't make any more after you said the last bowl tasted like mud. She said that if you didn't like it, you could just go hungry.  
  
Sephiroth: *shrugs* Oh well... *draws Masamune and chases Tseng offstage, laughing maniacally*  
  
Elena: Please tell me that this is almost over...  
  
Reno: Since she didn't know what else to do, Little Red Goldilocks continued skipping through the woods until she came to an inn made of rubber bands and tin foil.  
  
*A small curtain near the back of the stage rises, revealing the "inn"*  
  
Elena: Uh... Shouldn't it be made of bricks?  
  
Reno: We didn't have any bricks.  
  
Elena: I think I feel a headache coming on...  
  
Reno: By now, Little Red Goldilocks was very tired from all the skipping she'd done that day, so she decided to rest at the inn for a little while.  
  
*Palmer steps out from behind the inn, dressed in a pig suit and eating something from a bowl*  
  
Reno: Wow... Now that's a convincing pig...  
  
Elena: I thought Tifa wasn't going to make any more porridge...  
  
Palmer: Oh, this isn't porridge... It's lard.  
  
*Elena smacks herself in the forehead*  
  
Reno: Um... So Little Red Goldilocks asked the pig if she could rest.  
  
Elena: Can I rest at your inn for awhile?  
  
Palmer: Sure! Make yourself at home... Care for some lard?  
  
Reno: Suddenly, the not-very-nice wolf appeared, looking for still more food.  
  
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk, lands on the rubber band and tin foil "inn" laughing maniacally... before being catapulted back up, straight through the ceiling of the theater*  
  
Reno: *sweatdrops* There goes our deposit... *ahem* So Little Red Goldilocks went into the inn to take a well-deserved nap.  
  
*Elena hesitantly walks into the "inn"*  
  
Reno: The first bed she tried was too hard.  
  
*Palmer wanders offstage, happily eating his lard*  
  
Reno: The second bed she tried was too soft. The last bed was just too lumpy, so she decided to forget about napping and keep looking for her uncle's house.  
  
Elena: Wait a minute... Isn't the last bed supposed to be "just right"?  
  
Reno: Who's telling this story? You or me?  
  
Elena: Fine... Let's just move on...  
  
Reno: So Little Red Goldilocks kept right on skipping through the woods.  
  
*Aeris swings out over the stage dressed like a fairy and suspended from a wire*  
  
Aeris: Greetings Little Red Goldilocks! I am your fairy stepsister!  
  
Elena: Fairy... stepsister?  
  
Aeris: Long story... Anyway, I'm here to help you find your way to your uncle's house.  
  
Elena: Thank god... That must mean it's almost over...  
  
Reno: So Little Red Goldilocks followed her fairy stepsister deep into the woods, and after awhile they came to a small cottage in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Elena: Yay. It's my uncle's house. Now I can give him this basket of goodies.  
  
*The curtain comes down and shuffling can be heard onstage as everyone acts quickly to change the scenery. The curtain rises showing the inside of the house. Nanaki is in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin*  
  
Reno: Little did Little Red Goldilocks and her fairy stepsister know that the not-very-nice wolf had already eaten her uncle and now had disguised himself in order to get the basket of goodies.  
  
Nanaki: Little Red Goldilocks? Is that you?  
  
Elena: Yes dear uncle. It's me... and my... um... fairy stepsister. And I've brought you a basket of goodies.  
  
*Aeris waves to Nanaki, but suddenly is swung wildly around the stage, crashing into one of the walls of the house in the process. The wire snaps and she is hurled offstage*  
  
Cait Sith: *looking down from the catwalk* Sorry about that... Technical difficulties...  
  
Reno: Once the fairy stepsister was gone, Little Red Goldilocks walked up to her uncle's bed.  
  
Elena: Wait... I thought Sephiroth was supposed to be playing the wolf.  
  
Nanaki: He was... But the last we heard, the rubber band inn launched him all the way to Mideel.  
  
Reno: *ahem* Can we get back to the story?  
  
Elena: Oh, right... Uncle, what big eyes you have...  
  
Nanaki: The better to see you with, my dear.  
  
Elena: But uncle... What a big nose you have...  
  
Nanaki: It's not that big... *covers his nose with a paw*  
  
Elena: And what big ears you have...  
  
Nanaki: It's a family trait! Stop making fun of me! *pouts*  
  
Reno: The not-very-nice wolf realized that his plan had failed, and if he wanted the basket of goodies, he'd just have to eat Little Red Goldilocks.  
  
Nanaki: *leaps from the bed and pounces on Elena* Grrr!  
  
*Marlene, who is still sitting on Reno's lap, screams in fright and clings to Reno for protection*  
  
Marlene: He's gonna eat her!!! *sobs*  
  
*Barret walks out and pries Marlene off of Reno*  
  
Barret: Don't worry, Marlene... He's jes actin'. *walks away with Marlene, muttering* Damn foo's, puttin' on a show that scares little kids...  
  
*A frog hops out on stage*  
  
Reno: *sweatdrops* Okay... Uh... Just then, a frog hopped into the room...  
  
Elena: A frog?!  
  
Reno: Followed by a brave woodcutter.  
  
*Cloud walks out on stage dressed as a wood cutter*  
  
Cloud: Ah ha! I knew following that frog would be a good idea! Alright, you not-very-nice wolf...  
  
Cid: *shoves Cloud aside* Let the girl go, you @&#*&#$ wolf!  
  
Cloud: *whining* This is my scene!  
  
Cid: #@*&... You always get to be the big hero... It's my turn!  
  
Cloud: What?!  
  
Cid: You heard me!  
  
*Cloud and Cid raise their weapons and run at each other. Their fight ranges all over the stage until at last they move off behind the curtains still locked in battle*  
  
Reno: Great... Now who's gonna save the day?  
  
*Rufus walks calmly out on stage, flips his hair back, and aims his shotgun at Nanaki*  
  
Nanaki: Very well... I can see I'm not wanted here... *walks offstage in a huff*  
  
*Elena gets up and dusts herself off*  
  
Elena: Oh, thank you for saving me from the not-very nice wolf... and from this story...  
  
Rufus: You can thank me by working overtime next week. *walks offstage*  
  
Reno: And so, Little Red Goldilocks... *is suddenly interrupted by Yuffie running onto the stage*  
  
Yuffie: *picks up the frog as it tries to hop away* See? I told you I'd find one... *holds up a Maiden's Kiss* You'll be back to normal in no time.  
  
*Yuffie uses the Maiden's Kiss on the frog, and it turns into Vincent*  
  
Vincent: ...  
  
Yuffie: You could at least say thank you.  
  
Vincent: Thank you... Now give me back my Transform materia, you little thief!  
  
Yuffie: *innocently* What Transform materia?  
  
*Vincent transforms into Chaos and growls at Yuffie*  
  
Yuffie: Eep... *runs away*  
  
*Vincent chases after her*  
  
Elena: Please tell me this is over...  
  
Reno: Um... And everyone lived happily ever after... Except for the not-very-nice wolf, and the two pigs who were eaten, and Little Red Goldilocks' uncle... Hmm... Actually, I guess no one really lived happily ever after... Well, maybe that third little pig, but other than that...  
  
*Elena glares murderously at Reno*  
  
Reno: Uh... heh... The end?  
  
*The curtain comes down*  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
*Desha walks up to Reno*  
  
Desha: Remind me never to let you have control of the story ever again...  
  
*~fin~* 


	2. Rindercella and the Prince

Rindercella and the Prince  
by Desha  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
*Reno steps out onto the stage at the Gold Saucer's Event Square*  
  
Reno: Good evening and welcome to the show! So how's everyone doing tonight?... Good, good... Well, despite the minor damage caused during our last performance... and the fact that Desha, our esteemed author, vowed she'd never give me creative license again... my little acting troupe and I have been invited back for an encore performance... *he glances at the front row where Dio and the author are restrained and gagged, guarded by two heavily armed Shin-Ra soldiers* Tonight, we bring you that classic tale, "Rindercella"...  
  
Guy in the audience: That's "Cinderella", you idiot! Get off the stage and get us some real entertainment!  
  
*the rest of the audience boos and hisses in agreement*  
  
Reno: *draws his gun and takes aim at the heckler* If I say it's "Rindercella", then dammit it's "Rindercella"... Are we clear?  
  
*the audience goes silent*  
  
Reno: Good. *sits down stage left on a conveniently placed stool* And now, the story of Rindercella... as told by me. Oh, and with a tiny bit of help from a few other people...  
  
*the curtain goes up, and we see Tifa dressed in rags and scrubbing the floor*  
  
Reno: Once upon a time, there we this girl named Rindercella... I swear these fairy tale people are on somethin'... Just look at the names they give their kids... I mean come on. Snow White? Little Red Goldilocks? Who comes up with this stuff? They never have normal names. Has anyone ever heard of a princess named... oh, say... Edna? I know I haven't... 'Course I don't think I've ever met any one named Edna either. And Edna's out there in the audience? Come on, don't be shy!  
  
*a scrub brush sails through the air and smacks Reno in the head*  
  
Reno: Ow! *glares at Tifa* You can be replaced, ya know... Elena'd take on this roll in a heartbeat!  
  
Elena: *offstage* Not on your life, Reno!  
  
Reno: *rubs head* So anyway... Rindercella lived with her mean, nasty stepmother, and her two ugly, socially-inept stepsisters.  
  
Aeris: *walks out on stage* Oh stepdaughter, dear... get up off of the floor... We've all been invited to the prince's ball. I think the prince might just fall in love with you if you go... You're just so lovely... I've even bought you a new dress!  
  
Reno: Hey... That's not right...  
  
Tifa: *whispers* Aeris... You're supposed to be mean and nasty!  
  
Aeris: I am? Oh! I am! Er... uh... Ha! Gotcha! Hee hee hee... You really thought I was going to let you go, didn't you? Well, think again, missy! One of my precious angels will marry the prince... Not you!  
  
*Yuffie and Barret join them onstage*  
  
Yuffie: Yeah!  
  
Barret: *glares at Reno* Yo foo'! Why am I a girl? You didn't say anything 'bout me playin' a girl!  
  
*Reno shrugs*  
  
Tifa: Oh you are the cruelest people in all the land!  
  
Yuffie: Deal with it Rindercella!  
  
Reno: *now talking to a good-looking blond woman in the front row* So what d'ya say? You, me, a quick dinner, and then back to my room at the Ghost Hotel? I've got the Executioner's Suite...  
  
Tifa: *clear her throat loudly*  
  
Reno: Huh? Oh, right... The play. Rindercella was very sad that her stepmother wasn't going to let her go to the ball, cuz she thought the prince was hot...  
  
Tifa: *to Barret* We are getting paid for this, right?  
  
Barret: Not enough...  
  
*Aeris, Yuffie, and Barret leave*  
  
Tifa: *sighs* Oh, woe is me... If I do not go to the ball, surely I shall never marry the prince.  
  
Reno: So Rindercella sat down by the fireplace and started to cry.  
  
*Tifa begins to sob loudly*  
  
Reno: But suddenly, a funny little man flew into the room!  
  
Cloud: *swing across the stage on a wire* AHHHHHHHH!!! *slams into the background scenery*  
  
Cait Sith: *up on the catwalk* Sorry!  
  
Reno: Damn. That had to hurt.  
  
*Tifa pokes Cloud*  
  
Cloud: *groans*  
  
Reno: When Rindercella saw the funny little man, she knew immediately that he'd come to help her.  
  
Tifa: Um... I'm saved?  
  
Reno: He told her that if she spun some straw into lead and clicked her heels together three times, he would grant her one wish.  
  
Tifa: Huh?  
  
Cloud: *weakly* Is there a doctor in the house?  
  
Reno: So naturally, Rindercella decided to do just that. But since she didn't really know how to spin straw into lead, she had to buy some from the miller down the road.  
  
Tifa: Now wait a second...  
  
Reno: But she had no money, so she stole her nasty old stepmother's prized cow and traded it for some magic raisins...  
  
Tifa: What are you talking about?!  
  
Reno: ... which she planted in the garden so that they would grow into a magical money tree!  
  
Tifa: Hold it!  
  
Reno: What?  
  
Tifa: There is nothing in this story about cows and raisins and magic money trees!  
  
Reno: There isn't? Oh... Hmm... Well in that case, the funny little man - who's probably suffering from a mild concussion at this point - made Rindercella a deal.  
  
Cloud: *moans and sits up* I'll help you marry the prince if you get me some aspirin... *rubs head*  
  
Tifa: Um... Ok...  
  
Reno: So Rindercella gave the funny little man a bottle of aspirin.  
  
*Cloud is just about to take the bottle Tifa is holding out to him when suddenly, the wire he flew in on hauls him into the air and hurls him offstage*  
  
Cloud: AHHH!!! Not again! *a loud crash is heard backstage*  
  
Cait Sith: *up on the catwalk* My bad!  
  
Reno: I really should find someone else to handle the special effects...  
  
Tifa: Well? Now what?  
  
Reno: *whispers* Improvise... I'll be right back! *runs offstage*  
  
Tifa: Hey, wait! I... *looks out at the audience* Uh... Oh, woe is me... again... I still cannot go to the ball and that funny little man is probably going to have to be hospitalized... *looks around frantically for Reno* Whatever shall I do? Poor me... Poor, poor me. I have no one to turn to... *under her breath* ... and no one to narrate from me, either.  
  
Reno: *still offstage* Just when Rindercella thought it was hopeless, her fairy godmother appeared!  
  
*Tifa waits from someone to join her onstage*  
  
Reno: I *said* "Her fairy godmother appeared"!  
  
*there is the sound of a brief struggle, and then Tseng is shoved out onto the stage*  
  
Tseng: *holding a "magic wand" and wearing a pink bow in his hair* Rest assured, Reno, that you will pay for this...  
  
Reno: *resumes his seat* So the fairy godmother told Rindercella that she was there to help.  
  
Tseng: Fine... If it will get the fiasco over with... I'm here to help.  
  
Tifa: *looks at the comically large bow* Pink is definitely not your color...  
  
Tseng: *frowns* Do you want to get to the ball or not?... and keep in mind that if you don't say yes, this play could go on all night...  
  
Tifa: Oh dear lord... Uh... Yes, please fairy... godmother... take me to the ball so that I can marry the prince!  
  
Reno: So the fairy godmother waved her magic wand and a beautiful dress and a pair of glass slippers appeared.  
  
Cid: Hey! Turk! Here... *tosses a dress and a pair of shoes to Tseng and slips backstage again*  
  
Tseng: *hands them over to Tifa* There... Go to the ball.  
  
Reno: But Rindercella still couldn't go... *pauses as Tifa, Tseng, and everyone in the audience collectively groan* ... because she didn't have any way to get to the palace.  
  
Tseng: Speed it up, Reno... Or I'm assigning you to be Palmer's personal assistant for the next month.  
  
Reno: *gulps and tears the next twelve pages out of his copy of the script* So the fairy godmother called Rindercella a cab...  
  
*the curtain comes down and Nanaki walks out with Marlene riding on his back holding an "Intermission" sign*  
  
~*ten minutes later*~  
  
Reno: *walks out and waves to the audience* Ok... so to recap... Rindercella, nasty old stepmother, weird guy on a rope flies in and ends up in a coma, extremely unattractive fairy godmother waves her magic wand and Rindercella's off to the ball. Everyone got that?  
  
Audience: Get on with it!  
  
*the curtain goes up and Reno sits down to narrate. Yuffie is dancing to non-existent music with Vincent... and subtly stealing the materia in his armor... Aeris is standing off to one side, while Barret and Tseng reluctantly dance together, as Tifa step out onstage*  
  
Reno: So Rindercella arrived at the prince's palace in her beautiful new dress.  
  
Tifa: Oh, what a beautiful ball! I wonder where the prince is?  
  
Tseng: If he has even an ounce of sanity, he's as far away from here as he can get...  
  
*Sephiroth walks out on stage, dressed as a prince*  
  
Tifa: Well, we all knew Sephy was nuts...  
  
Sephiroth: *overdramatically* Oh where is the woman I shall spend the rest of my life with? One of these lovely young maidens must be the one!  
  
Reno: Rindercella saw her chance. She knew that if she was ever going to marry the prince, she had to get his attention.  
  
Tifa: *rushes over to Sephiroth and grabs him by the arm* Oh, your highness... I have secretly loved you for years! Please, marry me and take me away from my horrible life! *looks pointedly at Reno*  
  
*Sephiroth is about to reply when Rufus charges onto the stage dressed in a nearly identical prince's costume*  
  
Rufus: That is not the prince! I am the prince! That man is an impostor!  
  
Tseng: Sir, what are you doing? This disaster is almost over...  
  
Rufus: I'm richer, more powerful, and better looking than *this* science experiment gone wrong... I should be the prince!  
  
Tseng: Sir... I really don't think you should...  
  
Rufus: *draws his shotgun* Off my stage, Jenova-boy!  
  
Sephiroth: You do realize I'll have to kill you now... *draw Masamune*  
  
Rufus: Oh hell...  
  
*Sephiroth chases Rufus off the stage, and shrieks of terror can be heard from behind the curtains*  
  
Reno: Bring out the prince's understudy!  
  
*Rude walks out onstage*  
  
Rude: ...  
  
Tifa: *rushes over to Rude* Oh, my prince... You have such a way with words...  
  
Rude: ... *blushes*  
  
Tifa: Let's get married.  
  
Reno: Just then, the clock struck thirteen, and Rindercella knew that her beautiful dress was about to disappear, leaving her naked and humiliated in the middle of the party... so she ran home as fast as she could.  
  
Tifa: Dammit! *starts to run, but one of her glass slippers shatters* Ow! Ow! Oh, that hurts! Reno, you idiot! Why did you use *real* glass slippers?! *limps offstage, leaving behind a trail of glass shards and blood... Rude follows to help*  
  
Reno: Oops... Oh well...  
  
Rufus: *screams as Sephiroth flings him effortlessly into the audience*  
  
Sephiroth: Now, where was I?  
  
Barret: You were just about to brutally murder the foo' with the red hair...  
  
Reno: *nervously* No, no, no... This prince saw the trail that Rindercella left behind and followed it to her house.  
  
*Sephiroth shrugs and walks offstage*  
  
Vincent: *catches Yuffie trying to swipe his Contain materia and glares* He located her with relative ease and they lived happily ever after... while one of Rindercella's stepsisters was punished severely for theft... The end.  
  
*the audience cheers*  
  
Reno: Hey! You can't say "the end"! I have to say "the end"!  
  
*Tseng, Aeris, Yuffie, Barret, and Vincent walk offstage, ignoring Reno*  
  
Reno: I'm the narrator, dammit! Get back out here, all of you!  
  
*the audience starts to leave as well, and the Shin-Ra guards carry Dio and the author out*  
  
Reno: Where do you people think you're going?! This play isn't over until I say it's over!  
  
*the lights in the now-empty Event Square go out, leaving Reno alone on the darkened stage*  
  
Reno: Hmph... Some people just don't know artistic genius when they see it...  
  
*~fin~* 


	3. The Tale of Rupunzelstiltskin

The Tale of Rupunzelstiltskin  
by Desha  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
*Reno peeks out from behind the curtain at the Gold Saucer*  
  
Reno: *steps out on stage* Good evening gentles and ladymen! Welcome to our show...  
  
*jumps to his left as a tomato flies toward him and splatters against the backdrop*  
  
Reno: Our previous show received such amazing reviews that our writing staff... that would be me... has worked long and hard to bring you tonight's story. Well, actually I wrote most of it on the ride over here... But it's great, I promise!  
  
*several members of the audience attempt to sneak out of the Event Square*  
  
Reno: And for those of you who are thinking of walking out early, I s'pose I ought to warn ya... all the doors are locked and as an extra precaution, a moderate electrical charge is running through them... Probably won't kill ya, but...  
  
*the lights suddenly flicker and a loud crackle fills the air as some brave soul attempts to flee, despite the Turk's warning*  
  
Reno: *cringes* Ouch... That's gotta sting... Anyway, I now present my latest masterpiece... "The Tale of Rupunzelstiltskin"!  
  
*the audience groans loudly as the curtain goes up, revealing Aeris standing center stage wearing a long blond wig*  
  
Reno: *takes his usual narrating position* Once upon a time, there was a beautiful maiden named Rupunzelstiltskin. Man, that's the worst name yet... Anyways, Rupunzelstiltskin was the most beautiful maiden in the kingdom, but she was also the most unhappy.  
  
Aeris: *sniffles* Oh why must my life be so miserable?! *dramatic pause* WHY?! Oh, why! *buries her face in her hands and sobs*  
  
*gagging can be heard offstage*  
  
Reno: Riiiight... Um, the reason she was so sad was because she had horribly long hair. It was so long that she was always tripping on it. Her medical bills were huge, and she'd had to take out a loan on her house to pay them, cuz Odin knows her pathetic excuse for an HMO wasn't about to offer any assistance...  
  
*Aeris tries to walk across the stage, but really does trip on her wig, causing her to fall flat on her face*  
  
Reno: *snickers* And to make matters worse, people were always trying to climb up her hair, too... Needless to say, this was murder on her poor scalp.  
  
Aeris: *finally untangles herself from her "hair" and climbs to her feet* Oh, woe is me!  
  
Reno: But one day, a handsome prince came to see Rupunzelstiltskin and made her an offer.  
  
Cloud: *steps out on stage* Rupunzelstiltskin, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I want to marry you... But first, you have to spin a tower full of straw into gold.  
  
Aeris: *snuggles up to Cloud* Oh, but why must I spin straw into gold? Can't we just get married?  
  
Cloud: *shrugs* Sorry... I didn't write the play...  
  
Aeris: Oh...  
  
Reno: So the prince took Rupunzelstiltskin to the tower and locked her in.  
  
*a new backdrop plummets from the ceiling, missing Aeris by mere inches*  
  
Tifa: *up on the catwalk* Oops... *smiles innocently*  
  
Reno: And I thought that damned stuffed moogle was bad...  
  
Aeris: *shaken* Oh... W-what am I to do? I want to marry the prince, but I know not how to spin yonder straw into gold... *begins to walk toward to audience to continue her monologue* Oh, if only someone would h... *trips on her wig again* ...heLPPPP ME! *tumbles off the stage* *laughter is heard from up on the catwalk*  
  
Reno: Maaaaaybe the wig was a bit much after all... Um... So yeah, Rupunzelstiltskin sat all alone in the tower, wondering what she could possibly do. Man, I wish I could spin straw into gold. Just think of all the booze that'd buy... Hell, forget that! I could just buy my own private bar... Topless waitresses... good liquor, none of the cheap stuff... Mine! All mine!  
  
*crickets chirp*  
  
Reno: Uh... Nevermind.  
  
*Aeris untangles herself from her fake hair once again and climbs back onstage, only to be knocked to the floor by Cait Sith as he bounds onto the stage*  
  
Cait Sith: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!  
  
*waves his arms around frantically*  
  
Aeris: Huh?  
  
Reno: *smacks himself in the forehead* Wrong play! We're not doing Kentucky Fried Chicken Little for another three weeks!... Stupid puppet...  
  
Cait Sith: Oh... Sorry... *bounces offstage*  
  
Reno: Does anyone remember where we were?  
  
*Marlene tugs on Reno's jacket*  
  
Marlene: She was s'posed to spin straw into gold!  
  
Reno: Oh yeah! Thanks, kid... So like I was sayin', Rupunzelstiltskin sat all alone in the tower with the huge pile of straw, wondering how she could ever spin it all into gold and marry her prince. Just when she was sure she was doomed to a solitary life, a funny little man appeared.  
  
*Sephiroth walks out onstage, looking annoyed*  
  
Sephiroth: I am neither "funny" nor "little".  
  
Aeris: Oh! A funny little man! Have you come to help me?!  
  
Sephiroth: *looks at his far-too-chipper co-star* Didn't I kill you?  
  
Reno: Just say the lines like I wrote 'em!  
  
Sephiroth: I would hardly call this pathetic display "writing"... A wild chocobo with a typewriter could come up with a better play than this mess...  
  
Reno: Say the lines, or you-know-who is going to receive some very interesting photos of a certain silver-haired villain...  
  
Sephiroth: *mutters something under his breath* Fine... Yes, oh beautiful maiden. I have come to help you. I will spin the straw into gold, but in return, you must give me your first-born child.  
  
Aeris: Well... Ok, I guess that's fair.  
  
Reno: So the funny little man spun the straw into gold, and in the morning, he vanished just as suddenly as he'd appeared. *Sephiroth stomps offstage* And then the prince showed up...  
  
Cloud: *walks out* Well, you did it, so I guess we can get married now.  
  
Reno: So they got married and lived happily ever after... *pauses* Ha! Just kidding! They lived happily for 'bout a year, 'til the prince got Rupunzelstiltskin knocked up and she had their first kid.  
  
*a new backdrop depicting a room in a castle careens down onto the stage, and Aeris dives out of the way to avoid being crushed*  
  
Aeris: Hey!  
  
Tifa: *on the catwalk* Sorry again!  
  
Reno: Maybe I should've put Rude up there...  
  
*Marlene walks out onstage*  
  
Marlene: Am I on now, Mr. Reno?  
  
Reno: Uh... Oh yeah. So Rupunzelstiltskin gave birth to their first kid, a little girl named...  
  
Marlene: Marlene!  
  
Reno: Ok, sure... named Marlene... *mutters* I thought this kid was supposed to be shy... *ahem* And Rupunzelstiltskin started to worry about the deal she'd made with the funny little man.  
  
Aeris: *to Cloud* Oh, I'm so worried...  
  
*Cait Sith bounds out onto the stage again, nearly trampling Cloud*  
  
Cait Sith: Luke... I am your father!  
  
Reno: Uh... No... We're not doing Star Whores until...  
  
Elena: *offstage* ... Hell freezes over!!!  
  
Reno: Heh... We'll see about that... Cait, get off the stage!  
  
*Cait Sith wanders away, sadly*  
  
Reno: Anyway, it wasn't long before the funny little man appeared.  
  
*nothing happens*  
  
Reno: I said, the FUNNY LITTLE MAN APPEARED!  
  
*still no funny little man*  
  
Reno: Hey, Cloud... I got some pictures I wanna show ya!  
  
*Sephiroth storms onto the stage*  
  
Sephiroth: Happy?!  
  
Reno: Now say your line...  
  
Sephiroth: *grumbles* I have come for your first-born child.  
  
*a loud crackle of electricity is heard from the back of the theater as another audience member tries to escape*  
  
Reno: *shakes head* I warned you people earlier about that... Anyway, back to the story...  
  
Aeris: No! You can't have my baby! *grab Marlene and hugs her tight*  
  
Marlene: Can't... Breath...  
  
Sephiroth: *none-too-enthusiastic* She's mine. Give her to me.  
  
Aeris: No! I refuse! You will never have my baby!  
  
Cloud: What's going on here? Who is this funny little man?  
  
*Cait Sith suddenly swings across the stage on a rope, yelling like Tarzan*  
  
Audience: Wrong play!!!  
  
Cait Sith: *now offstage* Sorry!  
  
Reno: Someone lock him up until after the show! So yeah, the funny little man was a little pissed off at not getting what he was promised... but he was a clever guy, so her decided to make Rupunzelstiltskin another deal.  
  
Sephiroth: Very well... I will give you three days to guess my name. If you can do so, you may keep the child.  
  
Marlene: *still in Aeris' deathgrip* Need... Air...  
  
Reno: So Rupunzelstiltskin started guessing...  
  
Aeris: Is your name Bob?  
  
Sephiroth: Yes. Yes it is. *walks offstage*  
  
*Marlene passes out from lack of oxygen*  
  
Reno: And so, the prince, who still didn't know what was going on, and Rupunzelstiltskin lived...  
  
Cait Sith: *walks out, interrupting* Hey Reno? What are all these pictures of Sephiroth wearing Care Bear pajamas?  
  
Cloud: Huh? This I gotta see!  
  
*the actors crowd around Cait Sith and hysterical laughter ensues*  
  
Sephiroth: *takes a few practice swings with the Masamune* Oh Reno... I'd like to have a word with you...  
  
Reno: Oh crap... *runs*  
  
*~THE END~*  
  
.....  
....  
...  
..  
.  
  
Reno: "The End"? What the hell do you mean, "The End"? There's a lunatic chasing me with a REALLY big sword here!  
  
Rufus: You, you, you... What about us? *motions to Yuffie, Barret, Cid, Vincent, Nanaki, Tseng, and Rude, all of whom are sitting around a table, playing cards* We didn't even get mentioned! *mutters* Even that airhead, Elena, got in *one* line... I demand recognition! You hear me?! I'm the president! Heads will roll!  
  
Sephiroth: Ah ha! There you are, Turk!  
  
*Tseng and Rude calmly escort the still-ranting president out of harm's way*  
  
Reno: *backs up* Hello?! Psycho with a big sword trying to kill me...  
  
Barret: Yo, Vinnie... Got any o' them eights, foo'?  
  
Vincent: ... Go fish.  
  
*Reno makes a desperate run for the theater doors while Sephiroth chases after him, laughing maniacally*  
  
*loud electrical crackling and flickering lights followed by a howl of pain as Reno tries to escape*  
  
Sephiroth: Idiot... *walks away in disgust, leaving Reno in a smoldering heap in the floor*  
  
Reno: Ow...  
  
~*fin*~ 


End file.
